Into Marvelous Light I'm Running

My heart feels congested today. I'm not sure what it is. But that's the best way to describe it...like something is stuck in there that I can't get out and it hurts.

We took communion in church today. I cannot even explain what a struggle it was for me to do it. I kept finding excuses for why I shouldn't do it. Wine makes me sick. I don't know when to go. I should just stay here and pray. But I got up (mostly because I was the leader of my row...dang) and I went. And when I took that bread and I dipped it in the wine (that didn't make me sick), something in me broke. I got back to my pew, and suddenly tears bust loose. It wasn't forced or expected. It was great... and I finally really prayed. I was so busy making excuses (one of which was that I needed to pray...) that I didn't actually pray. But when I took communion, I suddenly needed to pray. And I feel free.

I realized how lazy I've been. I read in James for a couple days, and then I just stopped having dates with Jesus suddenly. I would wait to go to bed until I was so tired I couldn't even bring myself to wash my face, and looking back, I think it was so that I could avoid reading.

See, I like appearances. Ugh. I can't believe I just said that. I feel disgusting even saying it. I'm so prideful...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. But the pain in my heart is starting to ease as I keep processing. I am prideful. I want to be humble, I want to be loving, I want to be gracious. I want to be these things without thinking about reward. I don't want to want attention. But I do. A perfect example of this has been beginning on the worship team. I want to sound good, I want people to like my voice. I haven't been singing to Jesus. I have struggled with this for a long time. There are (a lot) of times when I am "worshiping" when all I'm doing is wondering if people are listening to me sing.

And that mentality (that disgusting, shaming mentality that is so hard to admit to) broke on me last week when I sang on the worship team for the first time. Things didn't go so well, and we didn't sound perfect. And all I could think about is what people thought of me. And then I started thinking about how I was thinking about what people thought of me and I was even more ashamed.

I'm tired of faking my faith. There you go my faithful (nonexistent) readers...I fake my faith. When Glenn spoke a couple weeks ago, he introduced us to a quote by GK Chesterson- "Let our religion become less of a theory and more of a love affair." And it spoke to me in volumes...oh how I wish I couldn't relate. How I wish that my faith was a love affair...

It's true, I've never put much value on the church or religion. And so while maybe I appear to live that quote more than others, that is precisely the problem- I appear to live. In reality, I've become rather skilled about talking about God, rather than living for God. And daily I see, feel, hear the battle raging inside me.

I'm tired. I'm weary. I am sick of trying to convince not only others but myself that I'm things that I'm not. I misrepresent myself in so many ways. I'm a much happier person than I let myself be. Because while I don't admit my pride or my anxiety, I think about it. I am constantly tearing myself apart, constantly beating myself up. I know that I don't want to be prideful...but I am. I don't even know if I'm communicating this the right way.

There is a battle inside me. I know who I want to be. I know who God wants me to be. I know who I should be in God. But I also know what I am; I know that I'm all the things I hate.

So it's out in the open now. I suck as a person.

But the Good News is this- Jesus knows that I suck as a person and He loves me anyway. And I can stop holding myself together...I can stop expecting ME to fix me...because Jesus is there and Jesus is the one who will pick me up and slowly bring all the pieces back together.

Thank you, God. Thank you for accepting me- a prideful, selfish, insincere person. Lord I pray for honesty. I pray that You will get dirty Lord and absolutely dig in to my heart and make it Yours. I want to be Yours. That's all I want. This, this is for you. All of it. It's nasty and corroded and broken in so many ways, but it's Yours. I know You enough to know that You will take it, even though You never should...what good am I to You? But I love You. In my heart of hearts, that is the ultimate truth. It's a broken, imperfect love that will fail on a daily basis. But it's Yours. Do what You will, Lord. I give you all control over every part.



"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:14-15