I am feeling increasingly lost. My voice echoes in my head, a single bell in a vast canyon. And in that single ringing bell resides a thousand screaming voices. They claw at each other, each vying to be heard. They drown each other out until I can hear everything and simultaneously nothing at all. I have lost my center, my core. My soul has no focal point. I have lost any ability to communicate with myself. Where. am. I? It is as if I am living separate from myself. I have ceased to understand anything. I am being pushed around by the waves of academia- I am drowning in high-brow theories and detached ideas. They crash over my head and I am forced to swallow-- I feel the salty burn race down my throat and into my nose. I can no longer touch the ground- my whole body aches to stand with feet firmly planted in reality.
I am being pulled...pulled...away.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
me gustaría ser soñadora
The question (essentially): In ten or fifteen years, what would you like to see yourself doing? Forget money, forget parents, forget all obstacles and barriers. Your talents are limitless and endless. Do ANYTHING.
The answer (written in class in five minutes): I would be in either Latin America or Africa (preferably jumping between the two) building sustainable and clean living areas for people. I would be a doctor and have a clinic in each village. I would probably spend all day holding babies and spending time with the people of the villages. I might have a husband, but no kids (because the the people of the villages would be my family). Nothing in the villages requires money. I don't get paid, and I do my work completely free. Everyone would have their own clean living space with running water, and each person would have free education and health care. I would come back to developed countries maybe 3-5 times a year to speak and share my experiences with large audiences in order to motivate them to get out and do something about the state of the world. I would write a book- not just any book that people read and forget about, or maybe recommend to a friend, but a book that starts a revolution. A book that makes others give up their lives to help others. (Profits would go to the village for supplies, of course).
A girl can dream, right?
The answer (written in class in five minutes): I would be in either Latin America or Africa (preferably jumping between the two) building sustainable and clean living areas for people. I would be a doctor and have a clinic in each village. I would probably spend all day holding babies and spending time with the people of the villages. I might have a husband, but no kids (because the the people of the villages would be my family). Nothing in the villages requires money. I don't get paid, and I do my work completely free. Everyone would have their own clean living space with running water, and each person would have free education and health care. I would come back to developed countries maybe 3-5 times a year to speak and share my experiences with large audiences in order to motivate them to get out and do something about the state of the world. I would write a book- not just any book that people read and forget about, or maybe recommend to a friend, but a book that starts a revolution. A book that makes others give up their lives to help others. (Profits would go to the village for supplies, of course).
A girl can dream, right?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Into Marvelous Light I'm Running
My heart feels congested today. I'm not sure what it is. But that's the best way to describe it...like something is stuck in there that I can't get out and it hurts.
We took communion in church today. I cannot even explain what a struggle it was for me to do it. I kept finding excuses for why I shouldn't do it. Wine makes me sick. I don't know when to go. I should just stay here and pray. But I got up (mostly because I was the leader of my row...dang) and I went. And when I took that bread and I dipped it in the wine (that didn't make me sick), something in me broke. I got back to my pew, and suddenly tears bust loose. It wasn't forced or expected. It was great... and I finally really prayed. I was so busy making excuses (one of which was that I needed to pray...) that I didn't actually pray. But when I took communion, I suddenly needed to pray. And I feel free.
I realized how lazy I've been. I read in James for a couple days, and then I just stopped having dates with Jesus suddenly. I would wait to go to bed until I was so tired I couldn't even bring myself to wash my face, and looking back, I think it was so that I could avoid reading.
See, I like appearances. Ugh. I can't believe I just said that. I feel disgusting even saying it. I'm so prideful...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. But the pain in my heart is starting to ease as I keep processing. I am prideful. I want to be humble, I want to be loving, I want to be gracious. I want to be these things without thinking about reward. I don't want to want attention. But I do. A perfect example of this has been beginning on the worship team. I want to sound good, I want people to like my voice. I haven't been singing to Jesus. I have struggled with this for a long time. There are (a lot) of times when I am "worshiping" when all I'm doing is wondering if people are listening to me sing.
And that mentality (that disgusting, shaming mentality that is so hard to admit to) broke on me last week when I sang on the worship team for the first time. Things didn't go so well, and we didn't sound perfect. And all I could think about is what people thought of me. And then I started thinking about how I was thinking about what people thought of me and I was even more ashamed.
I'm tired of faking my faith. There you go my faithful (nonexistent) readers...I fake my faith. When Glenn spoke a couple weeks ago, he introduced us to a quote by GK Chesterson- "Let our religion become less of a theory and more of a love affair." And it spoke to me in volumes...oh how I wish I couldn't relate. How I wish that my faith was a love affair...
It's true, I've never put much value on the church or religion. And so while maybe I appear to live that quote more than others, that is precisely the problem- I appear to live. In reality, I've become rather skilled about talking about God, rather than living for God. And daily I see, feel, hear the battle raging inside me.
I'm tired. I'm weary. I am sick of trying to convince not only others but myself that I'm things that I'm not. I misrepresent myself in so many ways. I'm a much happier person than I let myself be. Because while I don't admit my pride or my anxiety, I think about it. I am constantly tearing myself apart, constantly beating myself up. I know that I don't want to be prideful...but I am. I don't even know if I'm communicating this the right way.
There is a battle inside me. I know who I want to be. I know who God wants me to be. I know who I should be in God. But I also know what I am; I know that I'm all the things I hate.
So it's out in the open now. I suck as a person.
But the Good News is this- Jesus knows that I suck as a person and He loves me anyway. And I can stop holding myself together...I can stop expecting ME to fix me...because Jesus is there and Jesus is the one who will pick me up and slowly bring all the pieces back together.
Thank you, God. Thank you for accepting me- a prideful, selfish, insincere person. Lord I pray for honesty. I pray that You will get dirty Lord and absolutely dig in to my heart and make it Yours. I want to be Yours. That's all I want. This, this is for you. All of it. It's nasty and corroded and broken in so many ways, but it's Yours. I know You enough to know that You will take it, even though You never should...what good am I to You? But I love You. In my heart of hearts, that is the ultimate truth. It's a broken, imperfect love that will fail on a daily basis. But it's Yours. Do what You will, Lord. I give you all control over every part.
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:14-15
We took communion in church today. I cannot even explain what a struggle it was for me to do it. I kept finding excuses for why I shouldn't do it. Wine makes me sick. I don't know when to go. I should just stay here and pray. But I got up (mostly because I was the leader of my row...dang) and I went. And when I took that bread and I dipped it in the wine (that didn't make me sick), something in me broke. I got back to my pew, and suddenly tears bust loose. It wasn't forced or expected. It was great... and I finally really prayed. I was so busy making excuses (one of which was that I needed to pray...) that I didn't actually pray. But when I took communion, I suddenly needed to pray. And I feel free.
I realized how lazy I've been. I read in James for a couple days, and then I just stopped having dates with Jesus suddenly. I would wait to go to bed until I was so tired I couldn't even bring myself to wash my face, and looking back, I think it was so that I could avoid reading.
See, I like appearances. Ugh. I can't believe I just said that. I feel disgusting even saying it. I'm so prideful...I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. But the pain in my heart is starting to ease as I keep processing. I am prideful. I want to be humble, I want to be loving, I want to be gracious. I want to be these things without thinking about reward. I don't want to want attention. But I do. A perfect example of this has been beginning on the worship team. I want to sound good, I want people to like my voice. I haven't been singing to Jesus. I have struggled with this for a long time. There are (a lot) of times when I am "worshiping" when all I'm doing is wondering if people are listening to me sing.
And that mentality (that disgusting, shaming mentality that is so hard to admit to) broke on me last week when I sang on the worship team for the first time. Things didn't go so well, and we didn't sound perfect. And all I could think about is what people thought of me. And then I started thinking about how I was thinking about what people thought of me and I was even more ashamed.
I'm tired of faking my faith. There you go my faithful (nonexistent) readers...I fake my faith. When Glenn spoke a couple weeks ago, he introduced us to a quote by GK Chesterson- "Let our religion become less of a theory and more of a love affair." And it spoke to me in volumes...oh how I wish I couldn't relate. How I wish that my faith was a love affair...
It's true, I've never put much value on the church or religion. And so while maybe I appear to live that quote more than others, that is precisely the problem- I appear to live. In reality, I've become rather skilled about talking about God, rather than living for God. And daily I see, feel, hear the battle raging inside me.
I'm tired. I'm weary. I am sick of trying to convince not only others but myself that I'm things that I'm not. I misrepresent myself in so many ways. I'm a much happier person than I let myself be. Because while I don't admit my pride or my anxiety, I think about it. I am constantly tearing myself apart, constantly beating myself up. I know that I don't want to be prideful...but I am. I don't even know if I'm communicating this the right way.
There is a battle inside me. I know who I want to be. I know who God wants me to be. I know who I should be in God. But I also know what I am; I know that I'm all the things I hate.
So it's out in the open now. I suck as a person.
But the Good News is this- Jesus knows that I suck as a person and He loves me anyway. And I can stop holding myself together...I can stop expecting ME to fix me...because Jesus is there and Jesus is the one who will pick me up and slowly bring all the pieces back together.
Thank you, God. Thank you for accepting me- a prideful, selfish, insincere person. Lord I pray for honesty. I pray that You will get dirty Lord and absolutely dig in to my heart and make it Yours. I want to be Yours. That's all I want. This, this is for you. All of it. It's nasty and corroded and broken in so many ways, but it's Yours. I know You enough to know that You will take it, even though You never should...what good am I to You? But I love You. In my heart of hearts, that is the ultimate truth. It's a broken, imperfect love that will fail on a daily basis. But it's Yours. Do what You will, Lord. I give you all control over every part.
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." James 4:14-15
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Ah yes.
Rather tired.
Beginning the real disconnect from home and from high school. No longer have a need to talk to the family or friends often or at all. I put so much effort in last semester because I was lonely and miserable. Now that those things are gone, I realize that so many were letting me run and initiate the friendship/relationship. Now I'm done. I love them, but I'm done. My parents can call me when they want. Thus far, I've received one phone call per parent. Fine by me.
:)
Beginning the real disconnect from home and from high school. No longer have a need to talk to the family or friends often or at all. I put so much effort in last semester because I was lonely and miserable. Now that those things are gone, I realize that so many were letting me run and initiate the friendship/relationship. Now I'm done. I love them, but I'm done. My parents can call me when they want. Thus far, I've received one phone call per parent. Fine by me.
:)
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Happy February
I have decided not to do the whole crush thing. It's bad for me.
I get all insecure and stupid. Which tells me I am not ready.
So that's my decision.
I get all insecure and stupid. Which tells me I am not ready.
So that's my decision.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Pissed.
ugh. can't sleep. mulling things over. irritated. why can't i be perfect? why does jesus love me? especially in light of the first question. acted like an idiot tonight. unsure of when i'll stop beating myself up over it. i want to sleep.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Check.
Not much to say today...
woke up late, didn't go to Spanish. Sigh. I'm not sure what's up with my alarm clock. I went to bed at a pretty decent hour...is it possible that I was still sleepy enough to turn the dang thing off in my sleep? Gah...I did my homework and everything. Oh well. Just can't miss Spanish again.
Theo was Theo and JP was interesting...as usual. I had a huge to-do list, and I was pretty successful at completing it. I bought the right translations of the JP books...I was SO going to try to tough it out with the 1952 versions...but the section numbers for Thucydides are off and I don't really know how to find them...so I caved.
I have two papers due next Monday and one due on Tuesday. They are constantly nagging at the back of my mind. I will definitely write some, if not all, of my Theo paper tomorrow. It should be easy and I've been mulling it around in my mind for a while now.
I worked the Cru table tonight outside the dining hall. Huuuuuge stretch. First of all, Campus Crusade for Christ is an awful name. I mean, I get the concept. But when you say you're from Campus Crusade, you know what comes to people's minds? "Weren't the Crusades when the Christians went through and converted/slaughtered a bunch of Muslims?" ....get the point? So yes, I call it Cru, like most people. But when people hear Cru...they actually hear CREW. Now, if you took even one look at me, you'd see that i'm DEFINITLEY not involved in that rowing atheletic-y stuff. Nooo. Anyway, it's just a stretch. I am hesitant to reach out when it comes to things like this, because I have seen what some majorly outspoken Christians have done to people and to the country and world...not pretty. But I've also seen what Christ has done for people...amazing. So I stepped out and did it. It was fun. I worked with Alissa. And I think a couple people were legitimately interested beyond just a chance of winning a gift card.
So my day has basically consisted of getting stuff done. Tomorrow is my job interview...eek! I'm praying praying praying I get it...I want to go on Big Break and it's a lot more expensive than Emily told me...and I need mom off my back. Plus I think it'd be (kind of) fun.
Aaaand Cru tomorrow too. I'm excited, of course. I love Cru so much.
I am feeling better tonight...have been sick the last few days. It's nasty, plus the cold just makes it impossible to get better.
Welp, it's only 9, but I still have a date with Jesus tonight, and I'm already sleepy. Like an old lady... here's hoping for a successful alarm in the morning.
woke up late, didn't go to Spanish. Sigh. I'm not sure what's up with my alarm clock. I went to bed at a pretty decent hour...is it possible that I was still sleepy enough to turn the dang thing off in my sleep? Gah...I did my homework and everything. Oh well. Just can't miss Spanish again.
Theo was Theo and JP was interesting...as usual. I had a huge to-do list, and I was pretty successful at completing it. I bought the right translations of the JP books...I was SO going to try to tough it out with the 1952 versions...but the section numbers for Thucydides are off and I don't really know how to find them...so I caved.
I have two papers due next Monday and one due on Tuesday. They are constantly nagging at the back of my mind. I will definitely write some, if not all, of my Theo paper tomorrow. It should be easy and I've been mulling it around in my mind for a while now.
I worked the Cru table tonight outside the dining hall. Huuuuuge stretch. First of all, Campus Crusade for Christ is an awful name. I mean, I get the concept. But when you say you're from Campus Crusade, you know what comes to people's minds? "Weren't the Crusades when the Christians went through and converted/slaughtered a bunch of Muslims?" ....get the point? So yes, I call it Cru, like most people. But when people hear Cru...they actually hear CREW. Now, if you took even one look at me, you'd see that i'm DEFINITLEY not involved in that rowing atheletic-y stuff. Nooo. Anyway, it's just a stretch. I am hesitant to reach out when it comes to things like this, because I have seen what some majorly outspoken Christians have done to people and to the country and world...not pretty. But I've also seen what Christ has done for people...amazing. So I stepped out and did it. It was fun. I worked with Alissa. And I think a couple people were legitimately interested beyond just a chance of winning a gift card.
So my day has basically consisted of getting stuff done. Tomorrow is my job interview...eek! I'm praying praying praying I get it...I want to go on Big Break and it's a lot more expensive than Emily told me...and I need mom off my back. Plus I think it'd be (kind of) fun.
Aaaand Cru tomorrow too. I'm excited, of course. I love Cru so much.
I am feeling better tonight...have been sick the last few days. It's nasty, plus the cold just makes it impossible to get better.
Welp, it's only 9, but I still have a date with Jesus tonight, and I'm already sleepy. Like an old lady... here's hoping for a successful alarm in the morning.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Have You Ever?
Let's play a little game: have you ever decided to feel something?
Are emotions a choice? I can't decide. Looking over last semester, I think I decided to be lonely. There were plenty of people around that I could have hung out with or gotten to know. I don't think it's really loneliness I decided to feel...what am I trying to say here? I think I chose to be miserable. In some sick and twisted way, I wanted to wallow in the mire and muck...stupid, right? Now that the semester is new and I have reached out and am spending time with friends, I am so happy here. Not to say I'm not homesick from time to time, because I definitely am. But it's not the same. Yes, I'd be happy at home, and I'll be happy to see my family again and be in lovely beautiful Oregon, but I'm just as good here, sitting in Memorial Library with Mike and Emily and Alex. I've decided NOT to be a loner.
Now, on to the real issue at hand. I'm nervous posting this. I never meant to make this blog public simply because I really wanted to be open and candid about everything. So this is me going about my business believing no one will read it. I'll just change names, HAH.
Have you ever decided to feel something? Have I decided to like someone? I'm not sure. Something leads me to believe that I have. So I find this person attractive. And awesome. I enjoy talking to this person. A lot. And I want to get to know them better. However, I don't talk to this person very often, and we don't hang out that much either. So did I just decide to like them for lack of better things to do or think or feel? Or is this legit? I can't figure it out. I want to be able to just like someone without feeling bad about it. But I'm constantly beating myself up about feeling certain things. Is it my cynicism shining through? Maybe. Is it because of insecurity? Quite possibly.
I figure that as long as this...thing doesn't get in the way of my relationship with God, it should be okay. If it isn't legit, then it'll go away. That is, if I'm not forcing it. I can't tell. Ay ay ay. I keep trying to let it go and see if I mean what I think I feel, but thus far I just keep feeling the same stupid stuff. So maybe it IS real. But I think I've ceased to see the point in "liking" people. It's not that I'm anti-relationships. There are some (like the one to my right) that are awesome and I love the people as individuals and as a couple. But am I meant for that kind of relationship? I'm not sure. Am I going to get married? I don't know. Honestly. And I suppose all of this stems from that uncertainty. If I'm not going to get married, then what's the point in dating? Enjoying the moment until you break up? Ay ay ay! It IS the cynicism! I hate my parents' marriage. Does that have something to do with this? I'm not sure. I don't really know that I CAN figure this out. Maybe I should just stop analyzing it. I think I will.
I'm starting back into my Bible. I'm being renewed with a thirst for God all the time. I just want to serve Him all the time. He gives joy beyond expression and I am feeling it. I discovered a new song at church today: God of this City by Chris Tomlin. It is SO incredible. Check it out. Anyway, I'm really trying to get back into the flow of a true relationship with God.
On an easier, more surface-y note, my weekend was AWESOME.
Friday involved reading some Reading Lolita in Tehran...an amazing book. I also talked to Janine for several hours and it was pretty cool.
Saturday was great. Woke up at ten, ate with Dave, Alex, Emily and Mike, then went to the basketball game against DePaul. We won, obviously haha. Dad and I texted back and forth during the game, as he was watching on ESPN. Then Alex, Emily and I went to Mocha before going to see Revolutionary Road. I didn't enjoy the movie like I thought I would. It was really depressing and NOT a love story, haha. Kate Winslet performs her own abortion...gah! I identified with the movie (not the abortion part...), but I won't be watching it again. After the movie, Karley and Mike picked us up and we ate at the Twisted Fork...yummy! Then it was off to Chris' for game night/David's birthday party! I really opened up and acted like myself, which was awesome. That's new this semester. Acting like the Brooke I know. I was so timid at first, just wanting friends. Shoulda known that I needed to be myself for that to happen. DUH! Wow... anyway, we played Mario Kart for hours and hours! I also learned how to play Rummikub, thanks to a new addition to Cru, Devon (or Devin...not sure yet). We ended up staying until past 1 am. Mario Kart was so intense and competitive, it was great. So much yelling. I enjoyed myself, though it took adjusting to...I'm used to the old school stuff. Super Nintendo all the way!
Sunday has been nice. Went to church at Epikos this morning. I haven't gone to church here since probably early November. I really enjoyed myself. Abby came too, which was nice. A lot of people drove, but Emily, Alex, Mike, Abby, and I had to catch the bus and it took FOREVER. It was sooooo cold. Then when it finally came, this creepy guy got on and was like "All these pretty ladies...the redhead's the best..." that would be Emily...hahahaha. Then he proceeds to spray cologne ALL OVER HIMSELF. His face even. Oh my. Smelly smelly. I was trying to so hard not to laugh. We ate at Cobeen, and have been in the library since. Now I'm laughing at Mike losing at hearts and thinking about how great life is. Oh yeah, and I finished my homework. Gotta get on those papers though, ugh. They shouldn't be too bad. I just don't want to get back into all that writing stuff.
Welp, I think I'll conclude. I feel so much better. I had a lot of pent up frustration over the ensuing situation, but just blah blah blahing it all out has made me feel much better. Here's to a great week and a hopefully extremely successful job interview!
Are emotions a choice? I can't decide. Looking over last semester, I think I decided to be lonely. There were plenty of people around that I could have hung out with or gotten to know. I don't think it's really loneliness I decided to feel...what am I trying to say here? I think I chose to be miserable. In some sick and twisted way, I wanted to wallow in the mire and muck...stupid, right? Now that the semester is new and I have reached out and am spending time with friends, I am so happy here. Not to say I'm not homesick from time to time, because I definitely am. But it's not the same. Yes, I'd be happy at home, and I'll be happy to see my family again and be in lovely beautiful Oregon, but I'm just as good here, sitting in Memorial Library with Mike and Emily and Alex. I've decided NOT to be a loner.
Now, on to the real issue at hand. I'm nervous posting this. I never meant to make this blog public simply because I really wanted to be open and candid about everything. So this is me going about my business believing no one will read it. I'll just change names, HAH.
Have you ever decided to feel something? Have I decided to like someone? I'm not sure. Something leads me to believe that I have. So I find this person attractive. And awesome. I enjoy talking to this person. A lot. And I want to get to know them better. However, I don't talk to this person very often, and we don't hang out that much either. So did I just decide to like them for lack of better things to do or think or feel? Or is this legit? I can't figure it out. I want to be able to just like someone without feeling bad about it. But I'm constantly beating myself up about feeling certain things. Is it my cynicism shining through? Maybe. Is it because of insecurity? Quite possibly.
I figure that as long as this...thing doesn't get in the way of my relationship with God, it should be okay. If it isn't legit, then it'll go away. That is, if I'm not forcing it. I can't tell. Ay ay ay. I keep trying to let it go and see if I mean what I think I feel, but thus far I just keep feeling the same stupid stuff. So maybe it IS real. But I think I've ceased to see the point in "liking" people. It's not that I'm anti-relationships. There are some (like the one to my right) that are awesome and I love the people as individuals and as a couple. But am I meant for that kind of relationship? I'm not sure. Am I going to get married? I don't know. Honestly. And I suppose all of this stems from that uncertainty. If I'm not going to get married, then what's the point in dating? Enjoying the moment until you break up? Ay ay ay! It IS the cynicism! I hate my parents' marriage. Does that have something to do with this? I'm not sure. I don't really know that I CAN figure this out. Maybe I should just stop analyzing it. I think I will.
I'm starting back into my Bible. I'm being renewed with a thirst for God all the time. I just want to serve Him all the time. He gives joy beyond expression and I am feeling it. I discovered a new song at church today: God of this City by Chris Tomlin. It is SO incredible. Check it out. Anyway, I'm really trying to get back into the flow of a true relationship with God.
On an easier, more surface-y note, my weekend was AWESOME.
Friday involved reading some Reading Lolita in Tehran...an amazing book. I also talked to Janine for several hours and it was pretty cool.
Saturday was great. Woke up at ten, ate with Dave, Alex, Emily and Mike, then went to the basketball game against DePaul. We won, obviously haha. Dad and I texted back and forth during the game, as he was watching on ESPN. Then Alex, Emily and I went to Mocha before going to see Revolutionary Road. I didn't enjoy the movie like I thought I would. It was really depressing and NOT a love story, haha. Kate Winslet performs her own abortion...gah! I identified with the movie (not the abortion part...), but I won't be watching it again. After the movie, Karley and Mike picked us up and we ate at the Twisted Fork...yummy! Then it was off to Chris' for game night/David's birthday party! I really opened up and acted like myself, which was awesome. That's new this semester. Acting like the Brooke I know. I was so timid at first, just wanting friends. Shoulda known that I needed to be myself for that to happen. DUH! Wow... anyway, we played Mario Kart for hours and hours! I also learned how to play Rummikub, thanks to a new addition to Cru, Devon (or Devin...not sure yet). We ended up staying until past 1 am. Mario Kart was so intense and competitive, it was great. So much yelling. I enjoyed myself, though it took adjusting to...I'm used to the old school stuff. Super Nintendo all the way!
Sunday has been nice. Went to church at Epikos this morning. I haven't gone to church here since probably early November. I really enjoyed myself. Abby came too, which was nice. A lot of people drove, but Emily, Alex, Mike, Abby, and I had to catch the bus and it took FOREVER. It was sooooo cold. Then when it finally came, this creepy guy got on and was like "All these pretty ladies...the redhead's the best..." that would be Emily...hahahaha. Then he proceeds to spray cologne ALL OVER HIMSELF. His face even. Oh my. Smelly smelly. I was trying to so hard not to laugh. We ate at Cobeen, and have been in the library since. Now I'm laughing at Mike losing at hearts and thinking about how great life is. Oh yeah, and I finished my homework. Gotta get on those papers though, ugh. They shouldn't be too bad. I just don't want to get back into all that writing stuff.
Welp, I think I'll conclude. I feel so much better. I had a lot of pent up frustration over the ensuing situation, but just blah blah blahing it all out has made me feel much better. Here's to a great week and a hopefully extremely successful job interview!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Boreddddddddd.
yep, bored. weekend, duh.
I can never decide if I like the weekend or not, haha. I like not having classes...but I hate being bored. I mean, I can think of a couple things to do right now, but cleaning my room or working on a paper doesn't sound particularly thrilling on a Friday night. Emily and I are supposed to hang out later...it's the now part I have to figure out. I straightened my hair, haha. Partly to get rid of the cursed nap hair (yep, already took a nap), partly out of boredom (what else?).
I feel slightly ridiculous blogging to myself but whatever. Ridiculous, pathetic...I will embrace whatever comes to mind.
I should clean my room. Funny how much I hate mess and create it nonstop...a lack of a roommate apparently leads to a lack of accountability about keeping it clean. Although having one never really lead to continuous cleanliness anyway...wow I am feeling more and more stupid by the minute.
This is all a ploy to keep my mind off ONE thing...it's not really working hahahaha.
quick note: completely irritated with people bashing Obama. I get it, you don't like him. But to say that we are like the Hitler youth or to claim that we all just voted for the "rock star" and "didn't know the issues" is excruciatingly ignorant. You'd be pissed if anyone said that about you, and I EASILY could. I'm a liberal, it's no secret. Please leave me alone.
I can never decide if I like the weekend or not, haha. I like not having classes...but I hate being bored. I mean, I can think of a couple things to do right now, but cleaning my room or working on a paper doesn't sound particularly thrilling on a Friday night. Emily and I are supposed to hang out later...it's the now part I have to figure out. I straightened my hair, haha. Partly to get rid of the cursed nap hair (yep, already took a nap), partly out of boredom (what else?).
I feel slightly ridiculous blogging to myself but whatever. Ridiculous, pathetic...I will embrace whatever comes to mind.
I should clean my room. Funny how much I hate mess and create it nonstop...a lack of a roommate apparently leads to a lack of accountability about keeping it clean. Although having one never really lead to continuous cleanliness anyway...wow I am feeling more and more stupid by the minute.
This is all a ploy to keep my mind off ONE thing...it's not really working hahahaha.
quick note: completely irritated with people bashing Obama. I get it, you don't like him. But to say that we are like the Hitler youth or to claim that we all just voted for the "rock star" and "didn't know the issues" is excruciatingly ignorant. You'd be pissed if anyone said that about you, and I EASILY could. I'm a liberal, it's no secret. Please leave me alone.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Homesick
Welp, it's been a week since I arrived in Milwaukee, almost to the minute. And while this week has been much easier than almost any week last semester, I am finding myself quite homesick tonight. I think it's the weekend blues. During the week I have plenty on my mind, plenty of things to do that keep me distracted. But the weekend hits and I have two (or in this case three) days of absolutely nothing except a little homework and some dish washing or something. It is then when I feel the emptiness in my stomach and the drive of tears pushing on my eyes. Every now and then I think about how many weeks it is until I get back home for sure. 15. 15 weeks. And while I know that in my heart of hearts I can make it, I just wish I could transport my way to finals week immediately. Then it's three and a half months of bliss. Granted, there are times where I feel incredibly confined at home and get sick of the constant tension between my parents. But I love my family more than I can express in words. Jordan is my very best friend and I miss her so much. I can control the tears until I begin to think of Jordan. And now they flow rather freely. I wish I was there to see her through high school. And isn't it convenient that her new favorite song just came on?
For the first time in my life, I'm actually crossing the days off on my calendar. It's kind of exciting to see the red Xs fill the page, slowly eliminating days until the month is over. Sometimes I even purposely wait a couple days just to amplify the satisfaction of adding more red.
I need a job. I need a job to fill the empty hours of the week. More importantly, I need a job to get me home for spring break. Because going home for spring break means that 15 is no longer significant. Because going home for spring break makes this a trillion times easier to bear.
Clarification: I am enjoying myself here. I have a good group of friends that I am slowly opening up to more and more. I love them. I like my classes. I think I found my major. And I'm pretty sure I'm staying here for next year.
But I love my family. I love Oregon. I love home. And I can still taste it. I only have a week's distance to separate me. It was like when I came here for the first time, I cut myself open and left it exposed. After about three months, it began to heal. When I came home for break, it was completed healed and I felt whole again. But it has been ripped open again, though less painfully than last time.
I know I can do this. And I know that I'll shake this feeling in the morning. This is a continual learning process, and I am ceaselessly learning who I truly am and what means most to me.
For the first time in my life, I'm actually crossing the days off on my calendar. It's kind of exciting to see the red Xs fill the page, slowly eliminating days until the month is over. Sometimes I even purposely wait a couple days just to amplify the satisfaction of adding more red.
I need a job. I need a job to fill the empty hours of the week. More importantly, I need a job to get me home for spring break. Because going home for spring break means that 15 is no longer significant. Because going home for spring break makes this a trillion times easier to bear.
Clarification: I am enjoying myself here. I have a good group of friends that I am slowly opening up to more and more. I love them. I like my classes. I think I found my major. And I'm pretty sure I'm staying here for next year.
But I love my family. I love Oregon. I love home. And I can still taste it. I only have a week's distance to separate me. It was like when I came here for the first time, I cut myself open and left it exposed. After about three months, it began to heal. When I came home for break, it was completed healed and I felt whole again. But it has been ripped open again, though less painfully than last time.
I know I can do this. And I know that I'll shake this feeling in the morning. This is a continual learning process, and I am ceaselessly learning who I truly am and what means most to me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
It Feels Like Chaos, Somehow That's Peace
Today was...a day. I started a post earlier whining about everything that was going wrong, but looking back tonight, I realized that it all worked out in the end.
I spent some quality time with my favorite people ever: the Hopkins family. As always, Jason and Cass were there to listen and to counsel. They never fail to amaze me. They understand me like no one else I know, including myself at times.
During our lengthy conversation, Jason touched on something that has failed to leave my consciousness yet.
This evening my mom had the news on and they were reporting on the conflict in the Gaza strip. The Israelis had bombed at least one UN school and killed and wounded many. I hate war and always have. But tonight I was affected more deeply than ever before. As I stood there watching the report, uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks. I could do nothing but watch and cry. In that moment, I felt more hopeless and heartbroken than ever before. What is to be done about all of the death and despair I see in the world?
How can I write off these events as things of distant lands and foreign peoples? How can I possibly sit contentedly eating a hearty meal when millions of my brothers and sisters are crying out of absolute and incomprehensible hunger? I'm not superwoman, but I have an undying need to save the world. And there are so many things that need saving. My family, my parents' marriage, the sex slaves, the sick, the hungry, the impoverished, the destitute, the war-ravished, the Africans, the Gypsies, the Latinos, the Americans...
And then Jason put me into perspective. What about God? I'm just one person. I can only see and know and mourn over the things that are in my narrow little scope. I'm only aware of issues as they are reported on the news and in the papers. I'm only aware of the people and problems that I encounter on a daily basis. What about God? The Omnipotent One. He sees all; knows all. He sees every bloated belly and crying baby; knows every pained body and broken heart. He loves my father even more than I love my father. He loves my sisters even more than I love my sisters.
My grief is nothing compared to His. His love is infinitely fuller than my love.
It just adds more confusion and depth to my longing to know God in His fullest. How broken must God be? And yet, to have--rather to be hope... it blows my mind. God, You blow my mind. How is it that God loves each and every one of us more than we can even fathom, despite our nature as humans?
How broken God must be. But He knows the full extent of it all. He knows the end and He knows the solution. And so do I. Jesus Christ. I have hope. I truly do.
God, thank You so much for loving me. Thank You for loving all of us, even in the midst of the world we live in. I don't fully understand, and yes, I can be bitter. Some times I wonder how You, as a "Loving" God, allow this. But I have faith and I know that this isn't the end. Thank You that You have given me this burning heart for the world. I know that You will use me in ways incomprehensible to me now.
I love you, Abba Daddy.
I spent some quality time with my favorite people ever: the Hopkins family. As always, Jason and Cass were there to listen and to counsel. They never fail to amaze me. They understand me like no one else I know, including myself at times.
During our lengthy conversation, Jason touched on something that has failed to leave my consciousness yet.
This evening my mom had the news on and they were reporting on the conflict in the Gaza strip. The Israelis had bombed at least one UN school and killed and wounded many. I hate war and always have. But tonight I was affected more deeply than ever before. As I stood there watching the report, uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks. I could do nothing but watch and cry. In that moment, I felt more hopeless and heartbroken than ever before. What is to be done about all of the death and despair I see in the world?
How can I write off these events as things of distant lands and foreign peoples? How can I possibly sit contentedly eating a hearty meal when millions of my brothers and sisters are crying out of absolute and incomprehensible hunger? I'm not superwoman, but I have an undying need to save the world. And there are so many things that need saving. My family, my parents' marriage, the sex slaves, the sick, the hungry, the impoverished, the destitute, the war-ravished, the Africans, the Gypsies, the Latinos, the Americans...
And then Jason put me into perspective. What about God? I'm just one person. I can only see and know and mourn over the things that are in my narrow little scope. I'm only aware of issues as they are reported on the news and in the papers. I'm only aware of the people and problems that I encounter on a daily basis. What about God? The Omnipotent One. He sees all; knows all. He sees every bloated belly and crying baby; knows every pained body and broken heart. He loves my father even more than I love my father. He loves my sisters even more than I love my sisters.
My grief is nothing compared to His. His love is infinitely fuller than my love.
It just adds more confusion and depth to my longing to know God in His fullest. How broken must God be? And yet, to have--rather to be hope... it blows my mind. God, You blow my mind. How is it that God loves each and every one of us more than we can even fathom, despite our nature as humans?
How broken God must be. But He knows the full extent of it all. He knows the end and He knows the solution. And so do I. Jesus Christ. I have hope. I truly do.
God, thank You so much for loving me. Thank You for loving all of us, even in the midst of the world we live in. I don't fully understand, and yes, I can be bitter. Some times I wonder how You, as a "Loving" God, allow this. But I have faith and I know that this isn't the end. Thank You that You have given me this burning heart for the world. I know that You will use me in ways incomprehensible to me now.
I love you, Abba Daddy.
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