Happy February

I have decided not to do the whole crush thing. It's bad for me.

I get all insecure and stupid. Which tells me I am not ready.

So that's my decision.

Pissed.

ugh. can't sleep. mulling things over. irritated. why can't i be perfect? why does jesus love me? especially in light of the first question. acted like an idiot tonight. unsure of when i'll stop beating myself up over it. i want to sleep.

Check.

Not much to say today...

woke up late, didn't go to Spanish. Sigh. I'm not sure what's up with my alarm clock. I went to bed at a pretty decent hour...is it possible that I was still sleepy enough to turn the dang thing off in my sleep? Gah...I did my homework and everything. Oh well. Just can't miss Spanish again.

Theo was Theo and JP was interesting...as usual. I had a huge to-do list, and I was pretty successful at completing it. I bought the right translations of the JP books...I was SO going to try to tough it out with the 1952 versions...but the section numbers for Thucydides are off and I don't really know how to find them...so I caved.

I have two papers due next Monday and one due on Tuesday. They are constantly nagging at the back of my mind. I will definitely write some, if not all, of my Theo paper tomorrow. It should be easy and I've been mulling it around in my mind for a while now.

I worked the Cru table tonight outside the dining hall. Huuuuuge stretch. First of all, Campus Crusade for Christ is an awful name. I mean, I get the concept. But when you say you're from Campus Crusade, you know what comes to people's minds? "Weren't the Crusades when the Christians went through and converted/slaughtered a bunch of Muslims?" ....get the point? So yes, I call it Cru, like most people. But when people hear Cru...they actually hear CREW. Now, if you took even one look at me, you'd see that i'm DEFINITLEY not involved in that rowing atheletic-y stuff. Nooo. Anyway, it's just a stretch. I am hesitant to reach out when it comes to things like this, because I have seen what some majorly outspoken Christians have done to people and to the country and world...not pretty. But I've also seen what Christ has done for people...amazing. So I stepped out and did it. It was fun. I worked with Alissa. And I think a couple people were legitimately interested beyond just a chance of winning a gift card.

So my day has basically consisted of getting stuff done. Tomorrow is my job interview...eek! I'm praying praying praying I get it...I want to go on Big Break and it's a lot more expensive than Emily told me...and I need mom off my back. Plus I think it'd be (kind of) fun.

Aaaand Cru tomorrow too. I'm excited, of course. I love Cru so much.

I am feeling better tonight...have been sick the last few days. It's nasty, plus the cold just makes it impossible to get better.

Welp, it's only 9, but I still have a date with Jesus tonight, and I'm already sleepy. Like an old lady... here's hoping for a successful alarm in the morning.

Have You Ever?

Let's play a little game: have you ever decided to feel something?

Are emotions a choice? I can't decide. Looking over last semester, I think I decided to be lonely. There were plenty of people around that I could have hung out with or gotten to know. I don't think it's really loneliness I decided to feel...what am I trying to say here? I think I chose to be miserable. In some sick and twisted way, I wanted to wallow in the mire and muck...stupid, right? Now that the semester is new and I have reached out and am spending time with friends, I am so happy here. Not to say I'm not homesick from time to time, because I definitely am. But it's not the same. Yes, I'd be happy at home, and I'll be happy to see my family again and be in lovely beautiful Oregon, but I'm just as good here, sitting in Memorial Library with Mike and Emily and Alex. I've decided NOT to be a loner.

Now, on to the real issue at hand. I'm nervous posting this. I never meant to make this blog public simply because I really wanted to be open and candid about everything. So this is me going about my business believing no one will read it. I'll just change names, HAH.

Have you ever decided to feel something? Have I decided to like someone? I'm not sure. Something leads me to believe that I have. So I find this person attractive. And awesome. I enjoy talking to this person. A lot. And I want to get to know them better. However, I don't talk to this person very often, and we don't hang out that much either. So did I just decide to like them for lack of better things to do or think or feel? Or is this legit? I can't figure it out. I want to be able to just like someone without feeling bad about it. But I'm constantly beating myself up about feeling certain things. Is it my cynicism shining through? Maybe. Is it because of insecurity? Quite possibly.

I figure that as long as this...thing doesn't get in the way of my relationship with God, it should be okay. If it isn't legit, then it'll go away. That is, if I'm not forcing it. I can't tell. Ay ay ay. I keep trying to let it go and see if I mean what I think I feel, but thus far I just keep feeling the same stupid stuff. So maybe it IS real. But I think I've ceased to see the point in "liking" people. It's not that I'm anti-relationships. There are some (like the one to my right) that are awesome and I love the people as individuals and as a couple. But am I meant for that kind of relationship? I'm not sure. Am I going to get married? I don't know. Honestly. And I suppose all of this stems from that uncertainty. If I'm not going to get married, then what's the point in dating? Enjoying the moment until you break up? Ay ay ay! It IS the cynicism! I hate my parents' marriage. Does that have something to do with this? I'm not sure. I don't really know that I CAN figure this out. Maybe I should just stop analyzing it. I think I will.

I'm starting back into my Bible. I'm being renewed with a thirst for God all the time. I just want to serve Him all the time. He gives joy beyond expression and I am feeling it. I discovered a new song at church today: God of this City by Chris Tomlin. It is SO incredible. Check it out. Anyway, I'm really trying to get back into the flow of a true relationship with God.

On an easier, more surface-y note, my weekend was AWESOME.

Friday involved reading some Reading Lolita in Tehran...an amazing book. I also talked to Janine for several hours and it was pretty cool.
Saturday was great. Woke up at ten, ate with Dave, Alex, Emily and Mike, then went to the basketball game against DePaul. We won, obviously haha. Dad and I texted back and forth during the game, as he was watching on ESPN. Then Alex, Emily and I went to Mocha before going to see Revolutionary Road. I didn't enjoy the movie like I thought I would. It was really depressing and NOT a love story, haha. Kate Winslet performs her own abortion...gah! I identified with the movie (not the abortion part...), but I won't be watching it again. After the movie, Karley and Mike picked us up and we ate at the Twisted Fork...yummy! Then it was off to Chris' for game night/David's birthday party! I really opened up and acted like myself, which was awesome. That's new this semester. Acting like the Brooke I know. I was so timid at first, just wanting friends. Shoulda known that I needed to be myself for that to happen. DUH! Wow... anyway, we played Mario Kart for hours and hours! I also learned how to play Rummikub, thanks to a new addition to Cru, Devon (or Devin...not sure yet). We ended up staying until past 1 am. Mario Kart was so intense and competitive, it was great. So much yelling. I enjoyed myself, though it took adjusting to...I'm used to the old school stuff. Super Nintendo all the way!
Sunday has been nice. Went to church at Epikos this morning. I haven't gone to church here since probably early November. I really enjoyed myself. Abby came too, which was nice. A lot of people drove, but Emily, Alex, Mike, Abby, and I had to catch the bus and it took FOREVER. It was sooooo cold. Then when it finally came, this creepy guy got on and was like "All these pretty ladies...the redhead's the best..." that would be Emily...hahahaha. Then he proceeds to spray cologne ALL OVER HIMSELF. His face even. Oh my. Smelly smelly. I was trying to so hard not to laugh. We ate at Cobeen, and have been in the library since. Now I'm laughing at Mike losing at hearts and thinking about how great life is. Oh yeah, and I finished my homework. Gotta get on those papers though, ugh. They shouldn't be too bad. I just don't want to get back into all that writing stuff.

Welp, I think I'll conclude. I feel so much better. I had a lot of pent up frustration over the ensuing situation, but just blah blah blahing it all out has made me feel much better. Here's to a great week and a hopefully extremely successful job interview!

Boreddddddddd.

yep, bored. weekend, duh.

I can never decide if I like the weekend or not, haha. I like not having classes...but I hate being bored. I mean, I can think of a couple things to do right now, but cleaning my room or working on a paper doesn't sound particularly thrilling on a Friday night. Emily and I are supposed to hang out later...it's the now part I have to figure out. I straightened my hair, haha. Partly to get rid of the cursed nap hair (yep, already took a nap), partly out of boredom (what else?).

I feel slightly ridiculous blogging to myself but whatever. Ridiculous, pathetic...I will embrace whatever comes to mind.

I should clean my room. Funny how much I hate mess and create it nonstop...a lack of a roommate apparently leads to a lack of accountability about keeping it clean. Although having one never really lead to continuous cleanliness anyway...wow I am feeling more and more stupid by the minute.

This is all a ploy to keep my mind off ONE thing...it's not really working hahahaha.

quick note: completely irritated with people bashing Obama. I get it, you don't like him. But to say that we are like the Hitler youth or to claim that we all just voted for the "rock star" and "didn't know the issues" is excruciatingly ignorant. You'd be pissed if anyone said that about you, and I EASILY could. I'm a liberal, it's no secret. Please leave me alone.

I'm not homesick :)

I'm happy.

A little sick, but happy :)







...I need to pray more.

I am a happy, happy girl.

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Homesick

Welp, it's been a week since I arrived in Milwaukee, almost to the minute. And while this week has been much easier than almost any week last semester, I am finding myself quite homesick tonight. I think it's the weekend blues. During the week I have plenty on my mind, plenty of things to do that keep me distracted. But the weekend hits and I have two (or in this case three) days of absolutely nothing except a little homework and some dish washing or something. It is then when I feel the emptiness in my stomach and the drive of tears pushing on my eyes. Every now and then I think about how many weeks it is until I get back home for sure. 15. 15 weeks. And while I know that in my heart of hearts I can make it, I just wish I could transport my way to finals week immediately. Then it's three and a half months of bliss. Granted, there are times where I feel incredibly confined at home and get sick of the constant tension between my parents. But I love my family more than I can express in words. Jordan is my very best friend and I miss her so much. I can control the tears until I begin to think of Jordan. And now they flow rather freely. I wish I was there to see her through high school. And isn't it convenient that her new favorite song just came on?

For the first time in my life, I'm actually crossing the days off on my calendar. It's kind of exciting to see the red Xs fill the page, slowly eliminating days until the month is over. Sometimes I even purposely wait a couple days just to amplify the satisfaction of adding more red.

I need a job. I need a job to fill the empty hours of the week. More importantly, I need a job to get me home for spring break. Because going home for spring break means that 15 is no longer significant. Because going home for spring break makes this a trillion times easier to bear.

Clarification: I am enjoying myself here. I have a good group of friends that I am slowly opening up to more and more. I love them. I like my classes. I think I found my major. And I'm pretty sure I'm staying here for next year.

But I love my family. I love Oregon. I love home. And I can still taste it. I only have a week's distance to separate me. It was like when I came here for the first time, I cut myself open and left it exposed. After about three months, it began to heal. When I came home for break, it was completed healed and I felt whole again. But it has been ripped open again, though less painfully than last time.

I know I can do this. And I know that I'll shake this feeling in the morning. This is a continual learning process, and I am ceaselessly learning who I truly am and what means most to me.

It Feels Like Chaos, Somehow That's Peace

Today was...a day. I started a post earlier whining about everything that was going wrong, but looking back tonight, I realized that it all worked out in the end.

I spent some quality time with my favorite people ever: the Hopkins family. As always, Jason and Cass were there to listen and to counsel. They never fail to amaze me. They understand me like no one else I know, including myself at times.

During our lengthy conversation, Jason touched on something that has failed to leave my consciousness yet.

This evening my mom had the news on and they were reporting on the conflict in the Gaza strip. The Israelis had bombed at least one UN school and killed and wounded many. I hate war and always have. But tonight I was affected more deeply than ever before. As I stood there watching the report, uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks. I could do nothing but watch and cry. In that moment, I felt more hopeless and heartbroken than ever before. What is to be done about all of the death and despair I see in the world?

How can I write off these events as things of distant lands and foreign peoples? How can I possibly sit contentedly eating a hearty meal when millions of my brothers and sisters are crying out of absolute and incomprehensible hunger? I'm not superwoman, but I have an undying need to save the world. And there are so many things that need saving. My family, my parents' marriage, the sex slaves, the sick, the hungry, the impoverished, the destitute, the war-ravished, the Africans, the Gypsies, the Latinos, the Americans...

And then Jason put me into perspective. What about God? I'm just one person. I can only see and know and mourn over the things that are in my narrow little scope. I'm only aware of issues as they are reported on the news and in the papers. I'm only aware of the people and problems that I encounter on a daily basis. What about God? The Omnipotent One. He sees all; knows all. He sees every bloated belly and crying baby; knows every pained body and broken heart. He loves my father even more than I love my father. He loves my sisters even more than I love my sisters.

My grief is nothing compared to His. His love is infinitely fuller than my love.

It just adds more confusion and depth to my longing to know God in His fullest. How broken must God be? And yet, to have--rather to be hope... it blows my mind. God, You blow my mind. How is it that God loves each and every one of us more than we can even fathom, despite our nature as humans?

How broken God must be. But He knows the full extent of it all. He knows the end and He knows the solution. And so do I. Jesus Christ. I have hope. I truly do.

God, thank You so much for loving me. Thank You for loving all of us, even in the midst of the world we live in. I don't fully understand, and yes, I can be bitter. Some times I wonder how You, as a "Loving" God, allow this. But I have faith and I know that this isn't the end. Thank You that You have given me this burning heart for the world. I know that You will use me in ways incomprehensible to me now.

I love you, Abba Daddy.

Say (All I Need)

Welp, here we go. I suppose this blog is really only for myself. It's not like I'm going to advertise it. I'm not even sure how someone would find//read this.

But I have recently started a new journey in life, and my brain gets so cluttered that I've realized how badly I need somewhere to get it all out.

I've attempted several blogs before, but always ended up abandoning them. I suppose it's because I never really saw any value in them. The only reason I could see having a blog would be useful is for getting attention. That's not what I'm looking for.

So I'm going to do my best to be consistent. Some days I may just chronicle the day's events, other times I may have something specific to write. We'll see where this goes, I suppose. "We" being...me?

I named this blog "An Apathetic Passion" because I feel it pretty accurately describes me and my life. I'm passionate about so many things. Almost anything, actually. Except sports. I'm probably passionate about hating them.

So with all this passion about people, about justice, about life, about poverty, about music, about selflessness, about learning (you get the picture), you'd think I'd do something about it.

That's where the Apathetic part comes in. Right now I'm a freshman at Marquette University, spending thousands of dollars to do....something. But I usually spend my days going to class, eating, watching The Colbert Report, and facebooking. I constantly wonder what good all my passion is if I do nothing about it.

I want to dedicate my life to helping others. I hurt when I think about the people of Latin America and the people of Africa. I hurt when I think of the widespread greed that kills so many. I hurt when I think of war. I don't understand how people can live their lives without getting angered and impassioned about these issues.

I don't understand how people are content in their 9-5 office jobs selling paper (although it does make for a good TV show...) when this globe is pulsating with pain.

And that's what this blog about. One minuscule American girl battling the self-centered greediness her culture has ingrained in her in order to become something greater: a selfless servant of God dedicating her life to loving on her brothers and sisters around the globe.