It Feels Like Chaos, Somehow That's Peace

Today was...a day. I started a post earlier whining about everything that was going wrong, but looking back tonight, I realized that it all worked out in the end.

I spent some quality time with my favorite people ever: the Hopkins family. As always, Jason and Cass were there to listen and to counsel. They never fail to amaze me. They understand me like no one else I know, including myself at times.

During our lengthy conversation, Jason touched on something that has failed to leave my consciousness yet.

This evening my mom had the news on and they were reporting on the conflict in the Gaza strip. The Israelis had bombed at least one UN school and killed and wounded many. I hate war and always have. But tonight I was affected more deeply than ever before. As I stood there watching the report, uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks. I could do nothing but watch and cry. In that moment, I felt more hopeless and heartbroken than ever before. What is to be done about all of the death and despair I see in the world?

How can I write off these events as things of distant lands and foreign peoples? How can I possibly sit contentedly eating a hearty meal when millions of my brothers and sisters are crying out of absolute and incomprehensible hunger? I'm not superwoman, but I have an undying need to save the world. And there are so many things that need saving. My family, my parents' marriage, the sex slaves, the sick, the hungry, the impoverished, the destitute, the war-ravished, the Africans, the Gypsies, the Latinos, the Americans...

And then Jason put me into perspective. What about God? I'm just one person. I can only see and know and mourn over the things that are in my narrow little scope. I'm only aware of issues as they are reported on the news and in the papers. I'm only aware of the people and problems that I encounter on a daily basis. What about God? The Omnipotent One. He sees all; knows all. He sees every bloated belly and crying baby; knows every pained body and broken heart. He loves my father even more than I love my father. He loves my sisters even more than I love my sisters.

My grief is nothing compared to His. His love is infinitely fuller than my love.

It just adds more confusion and depth to my longing to know God in His fullest. How broken must God be? And yet, to have--rather to be hope... it blows my mind. God, You blow my mind. How is it that God loves each and every one of us more than we can even fathom, despite our nature as humans?

How broken God must be. But He knows the full extent of it all. He knows the end and He knows the solution. And so do I. Jesus Christ. I have hope. I truly do.

God, thank You so much for loving me. Thank You for loving all of us, even in the midst of the world we live in. I don't fully understand, and yes, I can be bitter. Some times I wonder how You, as a "Loving" God, allow this. But I have faith and I know that this isn't the end. Thank You that You have given me this burning heart for the world. I know that You will use me in ways incomprehensible to me now.

I love you, Abba Daddy.