Have You Ever?

Let's play a little game: have you ever decided to feel something?

Are emotions a choice? I can't decide. Looking over last semester, I think I decided to be lonely. There were plenty of people around that I could have hung out with or gotten to know. I don't think it's really loneliness I decided to feel...what am I trying to say here? I think I chose to be miserable. In some sick and twisted way, I wanted to wallow in the mire and muck...stupid, right? Now that the semester is new and I have reached out and am spending time with friends, I am so happy here. Not to say I'm not homesick from time to time, because I definitely am. But it's not the same. Yes, I'd be happy at home, and I'll be happy to see my family again and be in lovely beautiful Oregon, but I'm just as good here, sitting in Memorial Library with Mike and Emily and Alex. I've decided NOT to be a loner.

Now, on to the real issue at hand. I'm nervous posting this. I never meant to make this blog public simply because I really wanted to be open and candid about everything. So this is me going about my business believing no one will read it. I'll just change names, HAH.

Have you ever decided to feel something? Have I decided to like someone? I'm not sure. Something leads me to believe that I have. So I find this person attractive. And awesome. I enjoy talking to this person. A lot. And I want to get to know them better. However, I don't talk to this person very often, and we don't hang out that much either. So did I just decide to like them for lack of better things to do or think or feel? Or is this legit? I can't figure it out. I want to be able to just like someone without feeling bad about it. But I'm constantly beating myself up about feeling certain things. Is it my cynicism shining through? Maybe. Is it because of insecurity? Quite possibly.

I figure that as long as this...thing doesn't get in the way of my relationship with God, it should be okay. If it isn't legit, then it'll go away. That is, if I'm not forcing it. I can't tell. Ay ay ay. I keep trying to let it go and see if I mean what I think I feel, but thus far I just keep feeling the same stupid stuff. So maybe it IS real. But I think I've ceased to see the point in "liking" people. It's not that I'm anti-relationships. There are some (like the one to my right) that are awesome and I love the people as individuals and as a couple. But am I meant for that kind of relationship? I'm not sure. Am I going to get married? I don't know. Honestly. And I suppose all of this stems from that uncertainty. If I'm not going to get married, then what's the point in dating? Enjoying the moment until you break up? Ay ay ay! It IS the cynicism! I hate my parents' marriage. Does that have something to do with this? I'm not sure. I don't really know that I CAN figure this out. Maybe I should just stop analyzing it. I think I will.

I'm starting back into my Bible. I'm being renewed with a thirst for God all the time. I just want to serve Him all the time. He gives joy beyond expression and I am feeling it. I discovered a new song at church today: God of this City by Chris Tomlin. It is SO incredible. Check it out. Anyway, I'm really trying to get back into the flow of a true relationship with God.

On an easier, more surface-y note, my weekend was AWESOME.

Friday involved reading some Reading Lolita in Tehran...an amazing book. I also talked to Janine for several hours and it was pretty cool.
Saturday was great. Woke up at ten, ate with Dave, Alex, Emily and Mike, then went to the basketball game against DePaul. We won, obviously haha. Dad and I texted back and forth during the game, as he was watching on ESPN. Then Alex, Emily and I went to Mocha before going to see Revolutionary Road. I didn't enjoy the movie like I thought I would. It was really depressing and NOT a love story, haha. Kate Winslet performs her own abortion...gah! I identified with the movie (not the abortion part...), but I won't be watching it again. After the movie, Karley and Mike picked us up and we ate at the Twisted Fork...yummy! Then it was off to Chris' for game night/David's birthday party! I really opened up and acted like myself, which was awesome. That's new this semester. Acting like the Brooke I know. I was so timid at first, just wanting friends. Shoulda known that I needed to be myself for that to happen. DUH! Wow... anyway, we played Mario Kart for hours and hours! I also learned how to play Rummikub, thanks to a new addition to Cru, Devon (or Devin...not sure yet). We ended up staying until past 1 am. Mario Kart was so intense and competitive, it was great. So much yelling. I enjoyed myself, though it took adjusting to...I'm used to the old school stuff. Super Nintendo all the way!
Sunday has been nice. Went to church at Epikos this morning. I haven't gone to church here since probably early November. I really enjoyed myself. Abby came too, which was nice. A lot of people drove, but Emily, Alex, Mike, Abby, and I had to catch the bus and it took FOREVER. It was sooooo cold. Then when it finally came, this creepy guy got on and was like "All these pretty ladies...the redhead's the best..." that would be Emily...hahahaha. Then he proceeds to spray cologne ALL OVER HIMSELF. His face even. Oh my. Smelly smelly. I was trying to so hard not to laugh. We ate at Cobeen, and have been in the library since. Now I'm laughing at Mike losing at hearts and thinking about how great life is. Oh yeah, and I finished my homework. Gotta get on those papers though, ugh. They shouldn't be too bad. I just don't want to get back into all that writing stuff.

Welp, I think I'll conclude. I feel so much better. I had a lot of pent up frustration over the ensuing situation, but just blah blah blahing it all out has made me feel much better. Here's to a great week and a hopefully extremely successful job interview!